YTMND

I have the attention span of a gnat, so I have reason to believe YTMND was created exclusively for me. A while back, I took a shot at making a few of my own. These are roughly two or three years old, so bear in mind the sophomoric levels of creativity.

http://pizzatime.ytmnd.com/
The original and best, IMHO. The other dude worked across the hall from me at my old job, and it was my personal mission to embarass the shit out of him. This oldie-but-goodie floated around the Pearson email system for a few days. Mission accomplished.

http://elainechicken.ytmnd.com/
Self explanatory.

I received this comment from a random user: "Every once in a while I see a site that's so ridiculously awful it makes me laugh. This is one of those"

http://getittogetherbaby.ytmnd.com/
People I hate, in order of hate:
-Cubs/Cubs fans
-Gas siphoners
-Wanda Sykes.

People I love, in order of love:
=My fiancee/family/friends
-Wisconsin
-The inventor of Applebees Boneless Buffalo Wings/9pm Happy Hour discount

I received this comment from a random user: "The apple is a black woman."

http://whatsforlunch.ytmnd.com/
Mindy worked in the cube next to me at my old job and would eat some crazy weird shit every day. With Mindy, to call her volatile would be putting it lightly. One time, I cold transferred a customer to her and she answered it "WHAT DO YOU WANT?", thinking it was me. That went over like a fart in church. After she finished thoroughly apologizing to the customer, she lit off every curse word I know. A little over the top, in my opinion, but oh well. I had fun watching the fallout from that.

Additionally, I received this comment from a random YTMND user: "I hope it's AIDS".

http://lifelinesnotworking.ytmnd.com/
Life Line ("I've fallen and I can't get up") created a hotline to assist their users with a range of problems, but intelligently misprinted the 1-800 number in their support manual. So, every time an elderly user had a problem with their Life Line system, it rang directly to my work phone. I could tell which calls were coming from users, so they mostly went to voicemail.

Voicemails ranged in various degrees of hilarity. From plain old billing issues, to "ITS BEEPING AND IT WONT STOP, SOMEONE HELP ME, ITS LOUD", these ran the gamut. Exceptionally funny voicemail's were forwarded around the office, spreading the joy of elderly abuse.

Crime

I just downloaded a new application to my BlackBerry that allows me to listen, in real time, to the Minneapolis Police & Fire and the Hennepin County Sherriff & Fire. The first full crime that was reported as soon as I turned it on went a little something like this:

Dispatch: 61810 - Can we get a unit in the area of Humboldt and 11th Ave N?
Unit 351: 351 - We are in the area.
Dispatch: Disturbing the peace at 1251 - Suspect is a black juvenile riding a blue bike northbound on Humboldt. Juvenile is showing his penis to passers by.
Unit 351: We can take that, copy.

Crime never pays.

UPDATE

http://thesocietan.blogspot.com still sucks.

UH OH - Volume Two

This morning's hate is due in part to the Haterade and corn flakes I'm fueling myself on today.

Exhibit A:

I was lucky enough to have my fiancee's entire family up to our place for cocktails and apps, then out to dinner. Timber Lodge would be obvious choice, right? So we arrive and the first thing we hear is the bartender asking his patrons if the drinks he made were "strong enough". Immediate thought: "Win".

I'm not feeling like a steak... more like a nice burger. And I don't know what planet I'm from, but when I order a burger, I expect it to look somewhat like this, sans cartoon features:

And when the menu item has listed as the "Chuck Lindburger", one would logically expect at minimum two pieces of starchy material (bread, bun, cardboard, etc) to shield your hands from the 12oz of black angus ground chuck you're about to devour. Well, over an hour later, my steaming pile of shit arrives and it looks like this:

Except cooked. And with like 11 french fries. Needless to say I was pissed. And don't anticipate returning anytime soon. So, to recap... it took about two hours to get a slab of hamburger that cost $12.99 and 11 french fries. The server was a sea donkey sonofabitch who made drinks just about as tolerable as invasive rectal surgery. It was cold as fuck in the restaurant. And all I wanted was a fucking hamburger.

Don't go to Timber Lodge. Or the terrorists win.

UH OH

Did someone replace my normal unfair trade Folgers dark brew with Haterade? Because I'm all about some serious hatin' today.

Exhibit A: thesocietan.blogspot.com

I could scour the planet for years and still not find anything quite equivocal to this fine piece of shit. Closed circuit to the blog owner: I like your boots, but your blogging skills bluh-ohhhh. I also hate that when I go a google search for "The Societan", that firestorm of filth is the first link.

Exhibit B:

france.

No real rationale here. They're just assholes. You may have noticed the lower case 'france'. This was by design. It was a longstanding joke on my lacrosse team that using lowercases for names is a form of disrespect. While this was originally intended for women, in my older age I have found that it is applicable in other areas.

More to come.

There

karma

To the fuck who siphoned my gas:

I hope karma breaks your face. Fuck you.

George Brownridge - Woman Pleaser

QOTD: If you were George, would you want the clarification ad printed?