TWO MUPPETS POSTS IN A DAY?

Where have the fucking Muppets been?

Right here, rehearsing and perfecting this bitch....

Appealing the masses...

I'm working on a new post. But for you impatient types, enjoy this.




**Update** - this is supposed to move, hence Party Hard Hogan. I'll take this fail and file it away for future reference.

Yo, Balloon Boy...

Papercuts, bro.

Packer Game

Through some amazing circumstances, the Mrs.-to-Be acquired two tickets for tonight's historic game at the Metrodump. Below is where we'll be sitting. Looks like a pretty good seat to watch Rodgers toss for 400 yards w/ 8 TD's. All the while the Packers' D shuts out Adrian.

And, she managed to get the tix for face value... saving us over $300 total.

Suck it Vike's. After this loss, you can all crawl back into your respective fair weather holes and cry over the greatness of the Pack.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

I'm friends with one of the two perp's in this story. Clearly a well thought out robbery.

Rodgers 3:16

Not unlike Austin 3:16, which states "I just whipped your ass", Rodgers 3:16 says "I just threw for over 300 yards, no INT's, and ran two TD's in myself, you honky bitch."



In the Spirit of friendly competition, I'd like to say Fuck You to the following people:

-Anyone who has ever dressed up as a Viking to a Viking came. You all need to be cremated alive.
-Brett Favre, you traitorous fuck. I hope you choke, both literally and figuratively.
-Anyone who classifies themselves as a Viking "fan". Last year, THREE TIMES your team had threatened local television blackouts. And THREE TIMES you had to be bailed out by local television affiliates because you degenerates are too cheap to go and actually attend a game in person to show your support. This year, you acquire one of the greatest QB's in recent history (at least until the 2007 season, now he's just the same as any old guy on your beer league softball team... just livin' the dream), and yet you still can't manage to sell out that inflatable toilet for the Packer/Viking game. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
-Paul Allen. Get over yourself.

Conversely, I'd like to give a pat on the back to this guy. Dude, you did us well.



Anyone else know that Chad Johnson bought tickets for those fuck stick Kitty fans at Lambeau when he did his leap?

I'd like to solve the puzzle...

Random hilarity at work.

Self explanatory.

Vandalism

More silliness from vandals.

Weekend Update

It was a pretty good weekend for me. Had a big ass bonfire and few Old Mil's Friday night, two hours of wiffle ball on Saturday afternoon, then a hawaiian party in New Richmond Saturday night. Sunday was a world class walleye fish fry. Here are a few shots from the weekend. Please pardon the lack of my generally sarcastic statements/innuendos. I'm swamped today and wanted to get a post up today.


Fried walleye lunch, the labor.


Fried walleye lunch, the outcome.


The Walla Walla onions from the garden. They're as big as softballs now.


Tomato's are pretty damn close to being done... I still can't believe how big these bitches got this year.


Sunset looking west out of Roberts / New Richmond on Saturday night at the hawaiian party.

I'll come up with something better later as time permits. For now, F the vikes. And buy this shirt or this shirt.

Various cool shit on my phone

Creativity? Nope.
Overdue for a post? Yep
Time on my hands? Double Yep.


Got home today and Dupa had picked up this. Nectar of the Gods. Never tried the Peach, but turns out it's pretty damn good.


Huge peppers from the garden. 8" long, easy.


Each of those delightful little specks is a tomato. I've never seen plants this vined and big. The top of the middle plant is nearly 6'.


The only French word I like is "rotisserie". This is a salt cured spiral ham on a charcoal grill powered-rotisserie, amazing.


Minneapolis on a beautiful day. I know, hard to recognize without the gang fights, vagabonds, heathens, drunks drunk on listerene, theives, petty crooks, crooked cops, vikings, labor law violations, parking restrictions, $.25 "charge" for using a credit card, veterans who play pretend on washington & broadway who are homeless", skyway jackoff kings, people who go to The Drink in downtown, pan handlers and drug peddlers. On rare days like this, I actually forget I'm in Minnesota.


Venison bacon, farmers market eggs, whole wheat toast. 08/20/09.


Laser cat


Graffiti artist antagonism. This guy painted two huge (6'x4 1/2') tags on a warehouse alley where we would park our cars at the old office. I got to work a couple days later and saw two women scrubbing like hell to get both of the tags off the building. Six days later, a Wednesday morning may I add, I arrive to park to find this wise ass reply by the artist. I had a minor LOL on the walk into the building.

Random Thought Volume 2

I had a car in college from my sophomore year through my senior year. But from about mid-junior year until the end of my (1st) senior year, I drove the car all of 200 yards (from parking spot at house #1 on Chippewa to parking spot at house #2 on Chippewa). I was relentless about not driving, too. I had my friends cart me all over the place, I would shop at the expensive grocery store on Water St near my place, I stole a couple bikes. When we (me + 15 of my closest collegiate friends) went to Panama City Beach for Spring Break, I drove from about Dothan, AL to Birmingham (translation: not far). I do believe this is the only period in my life, barring injury, where I will ever go that long without operating a car again.

In any event, I'm rambling. Here's the meat of this post. My car looked like this... the predecessor to today's modern cars w/ 90 degree angles. I present, the Dynasty.



Look at this sexy thing. It was like driving a huge ass sofa with wheels (and a V6). Perfect for sneaking booze/friends into drive in movies, burnouts in the IGA parking lot, and intimidating parking poses in Hick Row at West.

A picture's worth a thousand words...

Or in this case, an entirely new car. I wish I could've taken a picture of the cycle. I think this was the only known motorcycle vs. car crash in which case the car incurred substantially more damage than the bike.

That said, this guy was a fucking idiot.

I took these pictures Saturday when I was dropping off a thank-you package of wine and Bud Light to the homeowners who've let my wreck sleep in their front yard the last two weeks. I also grabbed the plates (glad I remembered them).


Skid marks from the impact site. He hit me at an estimated 40 mph, front wheel up in the air.




Note the tire tread on the bumper.



Final injury update on the motorcycle driver: Broke his back in three places, (had to get six discs fused), broken wrist, shattered forearm. These are the only things I know that happened. He was in various hospitals for over a week, finally ending up at the Mayo Clinic on Rochester the last I heard. He would've been dead had he not had his helmet on, guaranteed.

Somebody loves that Hennessy.

Found this little empty gem on my walk into the office in a parking lot three blocks away.

Great Taste of the Midwest

Here are a few pictures from my weekend at The Great Taste of the Midwest. The festival is the second longest running beer festival in North America, running for 23 consecutive years. It featured over 100 different breweries, microbrews, and brewpubs, with a total of over 500 different beers from the Midwest.


A license plate outside the Bell's Brewery preparty Friday night at Maduro downtown Madison. This place was amazing, with 14 Bell's beer's on tap for $4/pint ($4/10oz pour for Hopslam).


This doesn't really do justice to the amount of people who were at the gates, waiting to get in. There were literally a couple thousand people in line at about 12:45 when we arrived, and we had our first beer at around 1:25. Pretty impressive.



A view of downtown from on top of a hill at Olin Park.


The Ricola dudes. Unfortunately volume is not proportionate to size w/ those horns. Thats what she said?



Props to Red Eye, the only brewer representing Wausau (not including the Great Dane offerings)


Our tasting mugs held approximately four fluid ounces.


Brooklyn Park's very own Surly had quite a buzz about their attending the festival (pun not intended, but noticed). They had their "Brett Farve" offering at 4pm... but some wisenheimer added their own flair to the name. I like their obviously Minnesotan spelling of Favre. Rednecks.


A random traveling marching band. Not sure if this was planned or not. They had a nice beat, and you could dance to it.


Bell's had a M*A*S*H theme to their tent, and in a throw-back to old wars, had hung women's underwear around the top of their tent's. At around closing time, this chick grabbed a pair of the underpants, hiked 'em up to her boobs, and tried to dirty them all up in the mud. In this picture, she's doing a pretty good job of dirtying herself. She's enjoying some assistance from nearby dudes who gladly would pour their beer on a drunk chick.

All it takes is Ortega?

Another vehicle-related post!

Today was a bad day, all around.

Making no progress with the car...
Forgot my lunch at home...
Still can't read human facial cue's...

To boot, I was driving to Prescott to pick up the police report when I got a call saying that the office couldn't be opened, and that I had to come back during regular business hours. This would've been fine, had I not made it to fucking Bloomington already.

In any event, I'm a pretty reasonable guy. But each month I afford myself one asshole move of the month. Well, August's got used up pretty quickly, because it was gone at about 1215 CDT today.

I was leaving Taco Bell on Broadway in Minneapolis. Most of you know where that is and what a headache it is to navigate in to and out of, but for those who don't, just picture a cluster fuck.

I was turning right out of the lot, and inadvertently cut in front of a biker (crossing a busy street on a red). I always thought of bikes as equals to cars while sharing the road, but apparently this guy was of a different opinion. With my windows down, he said "Hey man, fuck you, watch out!". I thought, sure, I probably should've been a bit more patient with this guy, and let it slide.

The same guy pulls up to me about 4 blocks down the road and is still talking shit. Wrong move.

In an act of behavior that will almost certainly send me to hell, I took the extra change that I had in my pocket ($.38) and threw it at the guy. I said "Go buy a car, you fucking ******" to the guy, who obviously didn't have/couldn't legally acquire a license. I spent the next couple hours at work hoping that this guy didn't randomly cruise down alley's in the warehouse district, because then I'd likely have two auto claims in 6 days (and one incredibly pissed off fiancee).

In a string of bad luck, this jobber caught me at the wrong time. I mean seriously... who can do anything with $.38?

Profound?

Graffiti outside my office.

An attempt at being profound? Perhaps.

Some hipster got ahold of some chalk and Wikipedia? More likely.

How was your weekend?

The ever popular Monday morning question "How was your weekend" is really a staple when coming back into the office for a long week of work. Some Monday's have better weekend adventures than others, but you always get a good feeling knowing your compadre's had a stellar time not working on their two days of freedom from the Man. A brief poll around where I work shows that there was same real variance to what everyone did, but all in all, it was pretty relaxing. Here are a few things that were done by various coworkers over their weekend.

-Twitter'd for the first time
-Went on a bike ride by the lake
-Visited family
-Slept in late
-Saw a celebrity
-Purchased some new shoes
-Caught a local softball game
-Had a date (successful closing)
-Had a date (unsucessful closing)
-Made a new dish at home
-Shot a 49 golfing with a buddy
-Shot a 49 golfing with a buddy, then was plowed into by a guy on a motorcycle leaving a bar, doing wheelies on a Ducati, at about 40 mph.

I was lucky enough to meet a guy named Dean on Saturday. Dean has (had?) a fancy Italian motorcycle. He's probably read this website and been real anxious to get to meet me face to face, because Dean introduced himself to yours truly by slamming into the back of my Nissan Altima at about 40 mph while doing a wheelie (the second one in a series).

After I got over the initial "What the fuck is going on" stage, I looked over at my new friend Dean, who had quickly become a hot mess in the middle of the road. Poor guy had ruined his new bike, had multiple broken bones, and was lucky enough to get a ride in an ambulance.

I walked into the bar where my newly-turned jalopy was parked to clean up the mess in my pants, and was promptly offered a shot and a beer by the old guy behind the bar. While I appreciated the offer, I didn't think giving a police statement after ripping some Jim and downing it with Milwaukee's Best is the smartest way to swing the pendulum of luck in your favor. We gave our statement at the scene, and hauled my car to my friend's house. (Closed circuit to the Krauses'... sorry about the new lawn ornament, I'll get it out of your front yard as soon as I can)

So I got to my friends house and started making the obligatory calls. Parents.. Insurance.. Police.. I cleared out the shit in my car, and proceeded with my evening. I'm lucky enough to drive my fiancee's sister's car (1995 Dodge Neon - SPORT COUPE), but there's a hole in the coolant reservoir. So, I can drive it about 10 minutes before I have to crank the fans and get the cockpit hot as hell to cool off the engine block. I'll have a good idea of what to expect next week. I'll get some pictures up as soon as I can.

BTW... Dean's name has been changed, but he may or may not have looked like this at one point in his life:

Party Monster

When you woke up this morning, did you think today would mark the day of seeing the raddest fucking animal to ever walk the planet? My guess would be no. Well, stand up straight and hold your head high, limp dicks, because the visual buffet you are about to feast on will be something to make you proud.

But not yet. No sir. You're going to have to hold it in and wait for it. Like a high schooler, pumping away on his girlfriend for the first time after prom.

I consider myself marginally radder than this dude:



And considerably radder than this dude:



But this character is so fucking outrageously happening and at the point of where I want to be in my life, it makes me sick to think of how much work I have yet to accomplish.

Think of all the cool shit from the eighties that hipsters havent tarnished yet (but I fear may someday soon): Wayfarers, Hawaiian "i dont give a fuck, it's hot out and I want to party" shirts, roller skates, beer, chicks in bikinis, the beach, mad hessian long-haired dudes pre-David Lee Roth, and being called a party loving happening dude and it being about the biggest compliment anyone could ever pay to you.

Enjoy.

This just in...

Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz took steroids in 2003.

This also just in...

The sky is blue and water is wet.

Let's talk Favre-ball....

There is a lot of buzz in the office today about Brett Favre's decision not to come out of retirement and play for the Vikings. Anyone who knows me knows that this news ranks right up there with the US beating the Commie's (I still get chills hearing that call) in the Miracle on Ice, coming home with a moderate jaguar on for the first time and my parents not knowing, and "talking" my way out of a speeding ticket on my way to my best friend's bachelor party.

All this got me thinking of things that are as rad, or radder, than God taking a huge steaming shit on the state of Minnesota in the form of Brett Favre essentially saying he'd rather mow the lawn for the rest of his life than play for the Vikings. Behold.

-Having the two words "Not Guilty" apply directly to you
-A monster dump leaving you with minimal wipeage (a "clean break")
-Packers Super Bowl win (in our sights...)
-Ordering a 6 piece McNugget's, and opening it up to find a seventh nugget
-Being thrown off a cruise liner, only to be rescued by the Playboy Coast Guard
-Being the dude that farts all day at work, but when confronted about being the culprit, you have the ability to be cool and not start laughing hysterically... thus keeping your guise in full effect
-Pizza
-You're checking out this girl at the bar and you approach her, only to have her boyfriend (brock lesnar) come out of the bathroom ten minutes later. Terrified, you need a second to think, so you grab a snickers (naturally). He calls you out on your nougat fixation and says "that's not how a man eats a snickers" and proceeds to eat his own, manlyily. He then chokes and dies in his haste, only to leave his hot girlfriend boyfriendless. All your blog happy friends happen to be at the bar and report the situation on all the blogs in the blogosphere, while you reign supreme.
-Peeing in a trough
-The "Oh, well that explains it" affect of finding out your cousin was adopted
-When you get the wrong change back and the difference is in your favor
-Finding .50 in your car seat when the only thing in the world you want is a Diet Coke from the work vending machine
-The Loop happy hour, or more specifically, 5 pints and amazing chicken fingers for $13

I'm sure I'm missing something. Tell me, what is equivocally rad in your book?

*Big up's to dus and Max for the creative assistance.

Poetry

Haikus are easy,
But sometimes they don't make sense;
Refrigerator.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I present to you, the Eternal Moonwalk.

http://www.eternalmoonwalk.com/

Sexual Innuendo of the Day

Bam - Equipment delivery.

Memories...

I wish they could do a throwback day at Miller Park w/ Bernie's Chalet and the beer slide.

YTMND

I have the attention span of a gnat, so I have reason to believe YTMND was created exclusively for me. A while back, I took a shot at making a few of my own. These are roughly two or three years old, so bear in mind the sophomoric levels of creativity.

http://pizzatime.ytmnd.com/
The original and best, IMHO. The other dude worked across the hall from me at my old job, and it was my personal mission to embarass the shit out of him. This oldie-but-goodie floated around the Pearson email system for a few days. Mission accomplished.

http://elainechicken.ytmnd.com/
Self explanatory.

I received this comment from a random user: "Every once in a while I see a site that's so ridiculously awful it makes me laugh. This is one of those"

http://getittogetherbaby.ytmnd.com/
People I hate, in order of hate:
-Cubs/Cubs fans
-Gas siphoners
-Wanda Sykes.

People I love, in order of love:
=My fiancee/family/friends
-Wisconsin
-The inventor of Applebees Boneless Buffalo Wings/9pm Happy Hour discount

I received this comment from a random user: "The apple is a black woman."

http://whatsforlunch.ytmnd.com/
Mindy worked in the cube next to me at my old job and would eat some crazy weird shit every day. With Mindy, to call her volatile would be putting it lightly. One time, I cold transferred a customer to her and she answered it "WHAT DO YOU WANT?", thinking it was me. That went over like a fart in church. After she finished thoroughly apologizing to the customer, she lit off every curse word I know. A little over the top, in my opinion, but oh well. I had fun watching the fallout from that.

Additionally, I received this comment from a random YTMND user: "I hope it's AIDS".

http://lifelinesnotworking.ytmnd.com/
Life Line ("I've fallen and I can't get up") created a hotline to assist their users with a range of problems, but intelligently misprinted the 1-800 number in their support manual. So, every time an elderly user had a problem with their Life Line system, it rang directly to my work phone. I could tell which calls were coming from users, so they mostly went to voicemail.

Voicemails ranged in various degrees of hilarity. From plain old billing issues, to "ITS BEEPING AND IT WONT STOP, SOMEONE HELP ME, ITS LOUD", these ran the gamut. Exceptionally funny voicemail's were forwarded around the office, spreading the joy of elderly abuse.

Crime

I just downloaded a new application to my BlackBerry that allows me to listen, in real time, to the Minneapolis Police & Fire and the Hennepin County Sherriff & Fire. The first full crime that was reported as soon as I turned it on went a little something like this:

Dispatch: 61810 - Can we get a unit in the area of Humboldt and 11th Ave N?
Unit 351: 351 - We are in the area.
Dispatch: Disturbing the peace at 1251 - Suspect is a black juvenile riding a blue bike northbound on Humboldt. Juvenile is showing his penis to passers by.
Unit 351: We can take that, copy.

Crime never pays.

UPDATE

http://thesocietan.blogspot.com still sucks.

UH OH - Volume Two

This morning's hate is due in part to the Haterade and corn flakes I'm fueling myself on today.

Exhibit A:

I was lucky enough to have my fiancee's entire family up to our place for cocktails and apps, then out to dinner. Timber Lodge would be obvious choice, right? So we arrive and the first thing we hear is the bartender asking his patrons if the drinks he made were "strong enough". Immediate thought: "Win".

I'm not feeling like a steak... more like a nice burger. And I don't know what planet I'm from, but when I order a burger, I expect it to look somewhat like this, sans cartoon features:

And when the menu item has listed as the "Chuck Lindburger", one would logically expect at minimum two pieces of starchy material (bread, bun, cardboard, etc) to shield your hands from the 12oz of black angus ground chuck you're about to devour. Well, over an hour later, my steaming pile of shit arrives and it looks like this:

Except cooked. And with like 11 french fries. Needless to say I was pissed. And don't anticipate returning anytime soon. So, to recap... it took about two hours to get a slab of hamburger that cost $12.99 and 11 french fries. The server was a sea donkey sonofabitch who made drinks just about as tolerable as invasive rectal surgery. It was cold as fuck in the restaurant. And all I wanted was a fucking hamburger.

Don't go to Timber Lodge. Or the terrorists win.

UH OH

Did someone replace my normal unfair trade Folgers dark brew with Haterade? Because I'm all about some serious hatin' today.

Exhibit A: thesocietan.blogspot.com

I could scour the planet for years and still not find anything quite equivocal to this fine piece of shit. Closed circuit to the blog owner: I like your boots, but your blogging skills bluh-ohhhh. I also hate that when I go a google search for "The Societan", that firestorm of filth is the first link.

Exhibit B:

france.

No real rationale here. They're just assholes. You may have noticed the lower case 'france'. This was by design. It was a longstanding joke on my lacrosse team that using lowercases for names is a form of disrespect. While this was originally intended for women, in my older age I have found that it is applicable in other areas.

More to come.

There

karma

To the fuck who siphoned my gas:

I hope karma breaks your face. Fuck you.

George Brownridge - Woman Pleaser

QOTD: If you were George, would you want the clarification ad printed?